


Bite Hard

by JackPotato



Series: Song Fic Series [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, NSFW, Sex, Suicide Attempts, possible trigger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 15:56:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10574613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackPotato/pseuds/JackPotato
Summary: Magnus wonders when it all changed. When he started to actually give a fuck about all this.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Song Fic Series.  
> Thank you to all the comments and kudos!  
> I was so nervous posting Love is a sin and your comments have encouraged me to keep going!  
> Please heed the warnings in the tags - there's mention of alcohol abuse and suicide attempts that could be a trigger.  
> Again, completely unbeta'd so please be kind. 
> 
> The song is Bite Hard by Franz Ferdinand.
> 
> Come say hi - jackpotato on tumblr

_**You don't know** _  
_**I sing these songs about you** _  
_**You don't know the Pseudonyms I assume** _  
_**You don't know the Pseudonyms I assume** _  
_**For you** _

Magnus looks across the cafeteria, towards the swim teams table. It’s probably the 10th time he has done it just in this lunch time.

He watches him. 

The way the skin around his eyes crinkle as he laughs, the way he claps his friends on the back, that 50-watt smile spread across his face with those beautiful luscious lips, how his black t-shirt rides up a little, exposing a sliver of that pale skin as he reaches across the table to steal a French fry from his friend’s tray.

Magnus wonders when it all changed. When he started to actually give a fuck about all this.

If he was being honest with himself, he would probably say when it started happening. That chance meeting behind the gymnasium.  Magnus had been having a smoke during his free period and was surprised to see the school’s prized dux and captain of the swim team hiding there, skipping class. A polite nod turned into awkward polite conversation and before he knew it they were meeting here every Thursday during their mid-morning free period.

It wasn’t until the accidental brush of fingers when Alec passed the lighter Magnus had accidently dropped, that he felt the electricity that sparked between them. It was the long look shared in that moment, that Magnus thought that maybe they’d be more.

And boy did Magnus want more.

But it wasn’t that easy.

At first, he denied it, they both had reputations to uphold. Besides… Alec liked girls, apparently? The pretty blonde…Lydia something… was always hanging off his arm and plus, Magnus was beneath him. Alec was a snobby rich jock for fuck’s sake and he was a middle-class arts student.

But when you desire someone, it’s just not that easy.

Alec stopped coming for a while after that. It seemed like weeks, when really it was only a few days. Magnus tried to brush it off.  Whatever… there wasn’t anything between them anyway.

Stupid confused jock.

But really wasn’t he confused too?

Lost in his thoughts, he doesn’t realise he’s staring, only when Alec suddenly lifts his head and looks across the cafeteria… straight at Magnus.

As usual, Magnus tries to play it cool, lip curled up in a smirk, but its Alec’s slightly bemused smile in return that Magnus knows he hasn’t fooled him. Magnus tosses his head and pretends to turn back to the conversation between his friends at the table. Because that is more interesting than Alexander Lightwood… But he can still feel his hazel eyes on him.

-

  
_**Are you happier now**_  
_**That the Gods are dying**_  
_**Or do you dream of**_  
_**Heston with omniscient fear?**_

 

It never used to be like this. After their first hook up, a flurry of lips, urgent hands and bitten off moans against the wall in their spot behind the gymnasium. Magnus swore that would be the last time.

And when it wasn’t the last time, Magnus knew he’d have to stop this.

And soon… before things got out of hand… before he lost control.

Magnus knew the score. He knew Alec’s parents wouldn’t approve, that Alec was just confused, experimenting… the looks he constantly got from Alec’s group of friends, that Magnus and his friends were beneath them and everyone knew that Alec Lightwood would be carrying on the family name into their law buisness, probably get married to Lydia what’s-her-name and live happily ever after.

 _It’s a bit hard to carry on the family name when you like being fucked in the ass_ , Magnus thinks bitterly, pulling his black woollen scarf tighter around his face to combat the bitterly cold winds of late autumn as he walks out of the senior corridor and down the steps, heading home.

Magnus always preferred to walk home rather than take the school bus, somehow it always seemed to clear his head.

Well it use to anyway.

Now he was conflicted, thoughts and feelings he never thought he’d feel again, coming back to the surface. Magnus is pulled from his thoughts by a car door banging loudly and a familiar voice, raised. Looking towards the noise, Magnus pauses, and tries to hide the smirk from his face as he watches the commotion. The source of his current torment arguing yet again, with the driver of the town car his parents always send to pick up the Lightwood children after school.  “ _But your parents said it wasn’t safe”_ he can hear the driver vainly argue… as he always argues. Almost every day they have this argument and every time Magnus would always try and control his laughter as he watches Alec argue and most of the time give in, grumpily tossing his bag into the car and getting in with his siblings, a sour pout on his face. Because, _yeah, you’re really going to get hurt in this sleepy little town… more likely so they don’t associate with low lives like me_ , Magnus scoffs inwardly, shaking his head a little at the scene.

What he doesn’t bet on however, is locking eyes with the boy as he gazes out the window, Alec’s face momentarily betraying how he really feels, as he looks miserably out the window, not realising he’s being watched. And then just as quickly, his normally beautiful hazel eyes narrow and harden into his normal stony glare, dropping Magnus’s gaze and looking forward, as the car pulls out of the car park.

Sighing, Magnus continues to his walk home. Feeling no less conflicted that he had 5 minutes ago.

-

 

_**You should be happier now,** _  
_**With no-one to pray to** _  
_**Or would you love to break your knees** _  
_**From begging and praying.** _

 

When Magnus decided, a month after all this started they should meet up to discuss… this thing, he couldn’t help inwardly cringing at the forlorn look that crept across Alec’s face before he masked it again. Yeah because… _we have to talk_ … always ends up being about something good.

Magnus remembers meeting up in the local park late that afternoon and before he could get a word in, Alec had laid it all out… like he’d already been thinking this, planning what he was going to say… breaking this off with Magnus before Magnus had a chance to do the same. Not that it mattered, they both had reputations at stake here… _we can’t keep doing this. We’ll get caught_ Alec had stressed, hands running through his already unruly raven hair, not realising just how close they were standing until Alec had stopped talking, taking a deep breath and finally looking at Magnus.

A gigantic pregnant pause as they stood, nearly nose to nose, almost sharing the same breath and it was in that moment that Magnus mentioned the abandoned house…

 _‘Maybe we still can…’_ Magnus remembers saying, his voice almost a whisper, not wanting to break this bubble that seemed to have formed around them. A sly smile forming on his face, hiding the sudden wave of urgency Magnus felt as he gazed into Alec’s big hazel eyes, a raised eyebrow and a confused look on his face at Magnus’ words.

This didn’t stop the sudden feeling that Magnus felt, he did not quit… _this_. He did not want to give up Alec Lightwood.

At first Alec resisted, well tried to, but it was pretty half-hearted and in the end they had agreed.

Because Magnus thought that Alec felt it too.

There was just _something…something between them_

He knew they shouldn’t do this… really. Not with what was at stake for Alec. But Alec’s reaction to Magnus moving in close, pressing soft kisses to his neck, and then hard ones, sucking and biting his skin…   _leaving marks…_ The noises Alec made, the soft moans and gasps. Magnus involuntarily shudders at the memory. How it had led to him pushing Alec onto the slippery slide in that local park as night fell, pants around their ankles, grinding into each other, jerking each other off, hard and fast.  Alec had bitched and moaned about having to cover up the marks Magnus had made. But Magnus wondered if he secretly loved it. What was the quote from Hamlet he’d learnt in English Lit… he doth protest too much?

Magnus jerked off in his bathroom later that night, thinking about those red and purple marks he’d made on Alec’s perfect pale skin.

They had rules; it was just a casual fuck, no emotional attachments, it didn’t mean Alec was gay, it was an agreement of convenience, letting out frustrations, it was just experimenting for Alec. And for Magnus… it meant he could regularly fuck the Captain of the swim team. So, it was win, win.

It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean anything.

Well that’s what Magnus keep reminding himself, saying it over and over in his mind like a mantra. Over and over as he thrusts into Alec, head thrown back just at the pure feeling of being inside him… _actually feeling_ … being fully enveloped by him. Devoured by him. Giving all of himself to him.

-

 

 _ **Bite Hard well it's a broken smile,**_  
_**Breaking their hearts**_  
_**And breaking their minds**_  
_**Bite Hard, well its a five ol' five,?**_  
_**Your engine's alive and we ride together**_  
_**Bite Hard**_  


Magnus rounds the corner of his tree lined street, and stops for a moment on the corner… just three streets over is Alec’s place. Three streets over… that’s all it is.

Magnus shakes his head, why must things be so divided. Why did Alec let his family, his social status, his class define him so much?

Why couldn’t Alec let himself just go… _He was able to let himself go_ , he thinks as he starts walking again. He was quite surprised at how easily Alec fully gave himself to Magnus in secret. Even letting him be the top …. Magnus laughs out loud at that term and then stops and furtively looks around, locking eyes with old Miss Palmer across the street who’s racking the leaves on her lawn. Too stubborn to hire someone to do it for her, not willing to admit she’s too old to be out on a freezing afternoon and too proud to just let the leaves stay there.  She stopped raking and gave him a curious look. Magnus raises his hand in a small wave and hurriedly keeps walking.

 _It’s not as if she doesn’t already think I’m mad_ he thinks.

Everyone knew his background. The whispers behind his back. That _thing_ that had happened with the bitch that cannot be named. But now Magnus always held his head high, because he was comfortable with who he was, all that was behind him. It had taken him a while, mind you. But now he was better... happier.  

Magnus huffs a little as he opens the back door and enters the kitchen, hearing the silence of his empty house, both his adoptive parents working and Clary obviously out. The sound of the door shutting behind him echoing through, jolting him slightly. Magnus wonders what it’s like for Alec coming home. He’s only been in the Lightwood house once, Alec’s thirteenth birthday maybe? A pity invite if he’d ever seen one, but curiosity got the better of him.

Even now Magnus remembers how the oppressiveness of the house seemed claustrophobic to him. The heavy wood and dark grey walls, oil painted portraits of Lightwood ancestors framed in gilded gold, seemed to stare down at him, weighing heavily on his shoulders.

Magnus couldn’t imagine the expectation and pressure Alec felt. He’s always wondered whether it was the oppressive nature of this house… this family… the pressure to live up to the name, knowing he never would, having to hide his true self.

This brings Magnus’ thoughts back to the bitch that cannot be named, how she had made him feel dirty and not worthy when she found out he was bisexual. How she had laughed at him, “you silly boy… am I not enough for you?” She had pouted before in the same breathe she had sneered, “no one will love you… you’re lucky to even have me”. Magnus should have been appalled, but instead in his haze, he had only smiled and nodded, because of course… he was lucky to have her.

That was more than a year ago.

Magnus knew what it was like to hide himself, somehow, he couldn’t fault how Alec treated him in public, because he knew… he knew that wasn’t really him.

And besides, it was Alec who made him feel again.

It had been a 1 year since the bitch who cannot be named broke him and when he started taking the prescription drugs that stopped him from spiralling down his rabbit hole. But the depression meds also did the unfortunate thing of numbing him completely.

That was… until he met Alec.

Alec who was so willing to just give himself completely to Magnus…

Magnus grabs an apple off a glass tray on the wooden kitchen counter top as he remembers back to that moment in the old abandoned house, sitting on that couch both in their boxers, both incredibly hard and panting, looks of pure lust and want and Alec just shrugged when Magnus asked who should be the one to bottom. Magnus had to laugh at it… this jock… this boy of all muscle and brawn, his social status defined by his strength and agility, his popularity and apparent prowess with the girls, just shrugged. He was willing to do that for him.

Even when he hadn’t done it before.

He was willing to trust Magnus with this, give himself to him. Like it wasn’t a big deal.

And maybe that was the moment… the moment he started to feel… feel like he was falling in love with Alexander Lightwood.

-

  
_**I may be lonelier now**_  
_**But I'm happy alone, honest**_  
_**It ain't lonely alone**_  
_**What would we talk about anyway?**_

 

Magnus walks down the cluttered narrow hallway, with its bright yellow walls lined almost haphazardly with framed happy family snaps and kindergarten drawings done by himself and Clary. A stark contrast to the dark dank hallways of the Lightwood home. Magnus rounds the corner to climb up the back stairs to his room. He is grateful his parents and sibling aren’t home today, he’s sure with one look they’d know something was up with him and try and get him to talk about it. Which is the problem… he _can’t_ , he thinks as he opens his bedroom door and drops his back pack on the floor with a sigh. It’s not like he doesn’t have an understanding family, who loves him and would understand… of course they would.

This isn’t about him…

It’s about Alec.

Magnus remembers yelling at Alec once, frustrated that he felt like he had to hide himself from his friends and family, lie to them about where he was going and what he was doing… or _who he was doing_. He couldn’t understand why it was so hard for Alec, why he needed to hide. _“Just tell them, it’s not that hard”,_ he had sneered, rolling his eyes and turning his back on him, about to leave. But it had been Alec’s small voice that had made Magnus pause and turn back around, _“they would disown me”, he_ had said sadly, dropping onto the couch where they had just had sex, not ten minute before. _Sure, he has close friends_ , he had continued, his sister Isabelle and his best friend Jace Wayland, they would listen and understand. It wasn’t them, it was his parents, who were deeply homophobic.

Many times, he’d heard his father bitterly talk at the dinner table about _those_ people like they were diseased lepers. His father who had pointed his knife, at them as he spoke, as he often did to the Lightwood children, never encouraging or loving, always displeased and disappointed in them, that he didn’t have the perfect children. He had pointed that knife individually at them and had threatened, that if any of them became one of _those_ people, it would bring shame on their family and it would almost be mercy on them, if he didn’t kill just them himself. This is what their father had spat at his children, while their mother had nodded in agreement. That had made Alec laugh bitterly, _so that’s why I can’t tell them_. _Because my father threatened to literally kill me if I became gay_.  

And from then on, Magnus felt like had to protect Alec… even though Alec didn’t know it. Magnus cringes at his reply after Alec had sat there that night and poured his heart out, _“Well that sucks for you”_ , he’d said with a flourish of his hand, before spinning back around and leaving. He had tried so hard to keep his feelings in check. Not wanting to open his heart again after it had been smashed to pieces by the bitch who shall not be named.

So, no-one really knew about Alec.

Just as no one had known about Magnus.

No one knew for example, that the first time he spiralled out of control was after a particularly brutal fight with the bitch who shall not be named, when she spectacularly dumped him at a party for some exchange student and then proceeded to make out with him in front of Magnus. He’d slid down his rabbit hole and landed in hospital for a 2-week stint.

No one knew… because it was covered up by saying he’d had a bout of pneumonia.

Not that it ever stopped the neighbours from staring or his parent’s friends from whispering.

And it wasn’t the last time that year an ambulance or the police were called to the Fray/Garroway household that year. Mostly alcohol binges, occasionally drugs and later attempts. She had kept him under her thumb and he kept him coming back for more.

But no-one at school really knew. Until it was too late… just how poisonous Camille Belcourt was and what she had really done to Magnus.

Now Magnus had to take his little white pills once a day before bed.

He hates that it knocks him out for the whole night. The house could burn down around him and he wouldn’t know.

He wouldn’t feel a thing. At first that thought use to scare him. Even though he knew his family wouldn’t let that happen. But slowly after months of taking the pills, he would almost welcome it. The numbness and emptiness.

Magnus opens his top drawer of his bedside table and pushing aside some underwear and the prescription bottle that holds his little pills, he reaches further back into the drawer and pulling out a full bottle of whiskey. Tipping the bottle slightly, watching the brown liquid as if it was a lava lamp, Magnus grins.

He didn’t feel anything until Alec came into his life.

Now he feels everything.

He stopped taking his pills a couple of days ago…

After he met up with Alec…

After he heard Alec…

And now if only he had someone to talk to… he may be able to stop everything crashing down around him…

 _My only friend…_ Magnus scoffs as he unscrews the lid of the whiskey bottle and takes a huge swig.

Because he can’t talk to anyone about this… trapped in the same silence that binds Alec.

 _Alec is different_ he thinks, as he sits on the edge of his bed a sudden wave of tiredness and depression sweeping over him. Thoughts of Alec and Camille swirling around in his head.

He takes another huge gulp from the whiskey bottle.

_Alec might understand me, even though it is because of him that I’m like this, because he’s made me feel again._

For some reason when he’s with Alec, everything else, all the noise in his head, the clatter, seems to quieten down. As corny as it sounds… he’s almost at peace _…._ Magnus’ thoughts now whir, jumbled and chaotic… shifting from one strand to the other… _Even if I did take the risk… hypothetically… We’re too different. It wouldn’t work_ , Magnus thinks again, looking out of his window into the grey autumn sky.

 _Its better this way_ , he tries to convince himself, nodding to himself as he takes another drink.

 _Better off alone_.

 _Besides he won’t want to hear this shit. Too hard basket, he’d say… he won’t give up everything he has for you. He said he loved you. But does he really? Camille had said it once and then she had left him. He’ll just leave, like everyone before him. He wouldn’t understand…He’ll probably blame me for trying to make him gay_.

 _Its better this way,_ he continues… _Less likely to get hurt, less likely to be hurt… when Alec rejects him._ _Better off comfortably numb_ … he thinks, sliding off the edge of the bed and onto the floor with a thump.

-

  
  
_**No, I'd never resort**_  
_**To kissing your photo, honest**_  
_**I just had to see**_  
_**How the chemicals taste their honey?**_

 

Magnus picks up the bottle, without looking at it and takes another sip. He is decidedly distracted by his phone. Scrolling through facebook photos.

Alec’s facebook photos.

When he picks up the bottle again to take another sip and nothing comes out, he looks at it confused.

 _How the hell did that happen?_ He thinks, absently.

When he looks down again at his phone he sees the photo he has stopped on. A smiling Alec kissing Lydia what’s-her-name.

Without realising it he’s scrolling through his contacts, the chaotic noise of this thoughts blurring as anger and confusion bubbles away inside of him.

He picks up after the third ring.

‘Ahh.. Hi Magnus?’ there is a pause, his voice whispered. In Magnus’ alcohol soaked brain, his thoughts blurred and confused, it sounds like guilt.

But Magnus has just drunk a whole bottle of whiskey… straight and he hasn’t taken his medication in a couple of days.

‘How could you?’ he demands, voice low

‘What?’ confusion again, denial, ‘How could I what?’

‘I saw it… I saw the pic’ure… with _her_ ,’ he spat.

‘What are you talking about?’ voice more alarmed now.

‘You cheated on me… with that… _slut_ ,’ he spits again, the word dark and ugly in his mouth.

‘WHAT? Magnus what ARE you talking about? You ok? You’re slurring your words…’ Panic… he’s been caught out.

‘I thought we had somethin’. I thought I meant somethin’ to you,’

‘What did Magnus? I don’t understand… where are you?’

He ignores the question, ‘You said you loved me and then I see… I thought…’

‘I never… ’ There’s a pause on the other end. Magnus’ head starts to thump, he had this all planned. Now everything isn’t so clear. His words are jumbled in his brain, floating in and out of consciousness.

He realises that Alec has been speaking and that he may have drifted off, alarming him more.

‘WHERE ARE YOU MAGNUS?’ He’s yelling into the phone.

Magnus can’t seem to handle this anymore. Alec’s yelling is making his head thump louder, hurting his brain.

‘I thought I loved you,’ he says, clumsily hanging up and slumping to the floor in a drunken sleep.

-

  
  
_**Bite Hard well it's a broken smile,**_  
_**Breaking their hearts**_  
_**And breaking their minds**_  
_**Bite Hard, well it's a five ol' five,?**_  
_**Your engine's alive and we ride together**_  
_**We ride together**_  
_**We die together**_

 

Magnus wakes up hours later. His room is dark and he can taste vomit in his mouth.

He shakily stands up, only to fall back down on his bed again from the sheer pain piercing his head like an ice pick.

He places his head in his hands for a moment, letting the room stop spinning.

His thoughts seem to be quiet for the moment, as the room begins to still…but just like every morning, after he’s taken his medication… he can’t remember anything… no matter how much he tries.

He reaches over and turns on his bedside lamp, and groans shutting his eyes at the sudden brightness.

When that too settles he slowly cracks his eyes open and immediately see the empty whiskey bottle on the floor and his mobile phone.

‘Hmmm’ he murmurs and slowly… very slowly… bending down, he picks up his phone only to see 5 missed calls and 2 text messages… from Alec.

‘What the fuck?’ he breathes, ignoring the missed calls, he looks at the first message, He tries hard to search his memory the last couple of hours, but everything comes back very hazy.

**Magnus, please answer your phone. I’m worried.**

Alec shakes his head, and before looking at the next messages looks at his recents list.

**5 missed calls from Alec Lightwood.**

**1 call to Alec Lightwood.**

‘Oh fuck,’ he says. Magnus has never been one to drunk dial before.

Never had anyone to drunk dial to.

Magnus goes back to the last message from Alec.

**You can’t just drop something like I thought I loved you and then not reply.**

Magnus lets go of the breath he was holding.

-

  
**_(Bite Hard)_**

 

Magnus drops his phone and puts his head in his hands again.

His breathing is heavy, like he’s hyperventilating.             

His thoughts are a whir of emotions in his head.

He closes his eyes.

Everything he’s built up. Trying to stay numb, trying not feel… The wall between him, his feelings and Alec is suddenly crumbling down.

How the hell do I go back from this?

-

  
  
_**Oh I never, I never, no I never,**_  
_**I just had to, I just had to,**_  
_**I just had to see that honey?**_  
_**Bite Hard, well it's a five ol' five,?**_  
_**Your engine's alive and we ride together**_  
_**We ride together**_  
_**We die together**_

 

Magnus keeps his eyes closed for a moment… trying to will his thoughts to quieten down.

He absently picks up his prescription bottle, looks at it for a second and throws it back down again.

I can do this… without the pills.

Suddenly a moment of clarity; _I’ll blame the drink_ he thinks quickly, picking up his phone again.

_Message or call?_

_Message…_ he thinks quickly. _More informal, cold… I didn’t mean it… I was drunk… thought you were someone else… sorry…_

He runs it through his head a few times before actually typing it out.

**Sorry about the phone call. A bit drunk. Meant to call someone else. Been meaning to tell you. I’ve been seeing someone else. I don’t need you anymore.**

Magnus hastily hits send and the slumps back onto his bed. He’s never lets himself cry. Not after the bitch who cannot be named, but he figures he can allow himself this one time.

Magnus closes his eyes and cries himself to sleep, back down the rabbit hole.


End file.
